Subject: My last words (plus attachment)
From: bitterinsanity@gmail.com
Date: 06/6/06
To: foolishbastard@hotmail.com
Attachments: F.U.C.K.U unlimited PTY LTD


From the Office of L.Strange:

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Bastardo egoísta,

I think you better sit down mi señor, you may not believe your ears and I fear you may pass out from the shock, angling just so to hit your head on the corner of your desk… It would be a shame for you to fall asleep so quickly, since in the past, you reserve that until after we fuck around. But not to worry the desk corner will be waiting after I strip you desnudo.

I would like to express my gratitude, a thank you if you will, for deconstructing my emotional attachment to you. It was troubling to find my self-respect depleted to the point where I lashed out with all the frustration I could muster, wasting innumerable hours tapping away at a keyboard, and then deleting the text only to tap away again. To support this presentation of emotionalist frustration I present to you the following excerpts:

‘…I’d like to thank you from the bottom of my (your…) over-bearing, tempestuous and opinionated personality (…conundrum), for your answering missive. It pushed my buttons and flicked my switches, my “what the fuck” complex was fully operational by the closing sentence…’   

‘…my tongue was sharp and flip, it flipped you over that I could frustrate you with a word, an argument and we always did argue. You weren’t relatable because I loved shoes. I loved shoes more than you…’

‘…I’ve been a fool, I’ve been remiss and taken a leave of my senses but I see now, because of you. Thank you for stringing wire around my proverbial heart and pulling it tight, the absence of circulation to my emotional chakra’s enabled me to seizure and smack my head on the bathroom tile, realising that I’d let you have more power over me than a Pierre Vontaine sale…’  

‘…thank you for bringing on the realisation that, there will always be, sex, shoes and clothes and if I need anything, its better that it has batteries than half a conscience…’

Enojado isn’t it? Passionate and furious, there is no real rational input at all and I find myself wondering why I wasted those hundreds of minutes on you. Oh, who is that again by the way? The you that you feel you presented or the you that is being presented now when the back of the ship is broken and the crew is flailing against the waves?

Bitterness. It’s languid and smooth against my tongue and it is really all thanks to you. I sucked on the fruit, leaning against the wall overlooking the cemetery.
I must now dictate my terms as you have dictated yours. The following are non-negotiable stipulations that you implicitly agreed to whilst signing the contract with the first, I love you. My barrister has drawn up the agreement for you to sign and date. You have thus far, avoided taking a clear stance on the status of this friendship / wankership, but since you prefer to avoid the issue and ignore the persons or person included (ahem, me) my barrister has agreed to speak to you from this point forth if you desire any further contact.

So this is my final goodbye, I have nothing to say to you besides that I thank you for the realisation that you have triggered.

L.S.

PS. My barristers will be in touch.
PPS. Feel free to dive into the corner of your desk.



Attachments:

To Mr Judah Nigelleus.

The stipulations of Ms Lamara Strange:

From the office of F.U.C.K.U (Fredericks and Ulysses, Corves and Kirk United):

UPON THE DISCONTINUATION OF FLING/FRIENDSHIP/IDLE FASCINATION- THE OFFENDING PARTY MUST COMPENSATE THE SURVIVOR WITH:

a) Remuneration package of time to the value of 120 hours. Please contact F.U.C.K.U to make arrangements for the means of how this debt will be repaid.
b) Reparations for lacerations appearing on the coronary artery of the relationship, an infection has manifested; money shall be paid to clients NAB account or in the form of chocolate, assorted lollies and bribes of jewelry. F.U.C.K.U will monitor offender’s deposits of this nature; changes to this clause can be made instantly by F.U.C.K.U.
c) A written apology detailing ‘…a general FAQ and the further option of inquiry into your motivations, thought processes and stereotypical school boy antics…’
d) The return of survivor’s self-respect. Please deliver this to your nearest post office in a bubble pack due to its fragile nature. In the event that you fail to do so, F.U.C.K.U reserves the right to impound your conscience if any is presented. In the event that there isn’t we have been advised that your ego will fill a hired warehouse.
e) The omission of the, I love you, term. Your rights to use this term have been nullified by the international state, represented by F.U.C.K.U.
f) Client reserves to add or retract any of these stipulations as she sees fit. Please log onto www.FUCKUS.org.com to trace these updates daily.
g) The client also requires one pair of shoes weekly, chosen by her. Please contact F.U.C.K.U for delivery details and catalogues.



Failure to comply with any of the stipulations will result in imprisonment; making representation impossible as we don’t deal with criminals.
Only batshit insane bitches.

Thank you for your time.

Hoping you’re well,

Mr Doniac Tully & Ms Ga’vel Kauftc

F.U.C.K.U unlimited PTY LTD